How to Remove Head Lice from your Daughter (or son) in Twenty-One Easy Steps

  1. Freak out and run away from your child.
  2. Realize she is crying and afraid, and run back and console her. From a distance.
  3. Tell her she has the lice.
  4. Throw her in the bath. Hopefully your hot water heater is working at the time.
  5. Throw in some toys. From a distance.
  6. Double check the situation. With a headlamp. And not your own comb.
  7. Send your spouse to the store for lice removing tools. Even though he leaves for night shift in an hour.
  8. Pace frantically as you have no clue what to do, have never seen the vermin, and are afraid for your life.
  9. Turn into a robot, cleaning and vacuuming all the things.
  10. Debate whether or not to tell people you have the lice.
  11. Give your child a popsicle in the bathtub to make up for freaking her out
  12. Once MacGyver returns with the goods, thank him.
  13. Retrieve her from the tub, and place her on a wooden chair. Because THAT’ll stop the lice.
  14. Rub in the lice cream, and comb her scalp until it’s a nice dark shade of red.
  15. Let her watch her favorite show while eating another sugary snack. While you comb.
  16. Wash hands. Repeat.
  17. Get over it. Its not as bad as your darkest fears predicted.
  18. Pour a glass of wine.
  19. Do some laundry. Ten to fifteen loads should suffice.
  20. Give a gentle, thoughtful heads up to your friends and family that they may have been exposed.
  21. Wonder WHO THE H*!? gave you lice in the first place. Smiley face.

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