Conquering.

Its interesting how one simple life experience in childhood can affect the rest of your life if you let it. No need to go into detail on a public blog, but I had to share the result of this realization now that I’ve had time to digest all my emotions and thoughts revolving around my experience.

I was actually sitting in church listening to a great sermon a few weeks ago, and the phrase that stuck out most to me was this: “What bitter root are you allowing to grow and produce bitter fruit?” Yikes, loaded question. That question could give way to so many completely different answers for all of us.

For me, it was friendships. You can care for your friends so deeply, and in an instant, everything changes. This obviously didn’t happen in an instant, but for me it felt that way.

A few hours after the sermon a few weeks ago, I realized I hadn’t moved on. My subconscious was holding firmly to the bitterness that came from simply feeling ditched. If any of you have held grudges, you know for some reason its hard to let go, and give up the control. The pain almost becomes a source of COMFORT. So instead of moving on, you let it grow and produce bitter fruit that affects your relationships, your job, your daily reactions to life… for me, it produced the FEAR of loss and rejection.

There’s no need to go into the specifics of what happened in my childhood, because almost instantly, I was able to let it go. I found comfort I hadn’t known before, knowing I didn’t need to hold on to it, and that God would take over control. I silently forgave the people who hurt me, and asked God to forgive me for being subconsciously focused on my fears, instead of my hopes.

It allowed me to see the world around me in a different way. I’m always going to have things I’m holding onto, hoping I can just freeze life where it is forever. But… its okay for change to happen, and we all have to know there’s a bigger picture, and God sees the end result. We don’t know how all this life stuff works into the bigger picture, but God DOES. Hmm. 🙂

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One thought on “Conquering.

  1. hrockwel says:

    Good stuff, Kel. It is extra hard giving up resentment and bitterness when we feel justified in our feelings. When we’re in the right, it is so hard to give up – to “let go and let God.” That is definitely God speaking directly into your heart, helping you let go of that bitterness. I’ve had a few of those experiences in my life. 🙂 I count myself blessed to have you as a friend.

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