Monthly Archives: November 2011

Embracing the Law.

I stepped out my front door this fine evening expecting to breathe in the crisp cool air of this almost-December night. Instead, I heard screeching tires as the driver of a small hatchback skidded to a halt, bumping loudly into the massive truck with a tow hitch in front of him.

Interesting fact: we live on the corner of a four-way stop, directly across from the police station, and our stop signs are in fact the typical “bright red color” found on most stop signs. I am wondering if maybe that guy comes from a remote part of Canada where red octagons on poles mean “keep going.”

In any case, the guy rolled down his window and yelled a profanity at the driver in front of him. The truck driver was unphased, and in fact incredibly aware that he had in fact made a perfectly legal stop, so he naturally kept going. Not sure if that was what I would have done, but in any case, I commend him for proper stoppage time and prompt acceleration following his law-embracing act.

So… after the hatchback-driving guy from remote Canada unloaded the F-bomb, I kindly screamed at him, “ITS A STOP SIIIIIGGGGNN!” I didn’t even use profanity. Although to some extent I wish I had, because apparently it does help get the point across in most situations.

I patted myself on the back for helping the world, and went on my merry way.

This other time, I stared down a car at the very same location as it speedily approached my toddlers and I in the crosswalk. The driver was completely oblivious there was a stop sign in her presence. I am 100% positive she would have hit me (with her SUV), and I seriously was ready to let that happen to prove a point, but moved on account of my small humans whom I happen to love so much. I actually had to move to get out of the way of the car so it could roll to a pretend stop and continue right on through.

I think its time for a letter to the Editor. Or maybe Christmas lights around all our city’s stop signs.

Potential Side Effects May Include…

Everyone dreams for their life to be amazing. From having kids, to playing professional sports, to pursuing an acting career, it seems people have this image of how life should be. “This will bring me happiness and contentment in life,” says the dreamer. Constant digging, pressing forward, and committing to a goal often brings satisfaction, knowing with each step, people work toward their ultimate life achievement.

I was never really clear where my heart was moving me. I guess maybe I realized that when I heard from my parents that as a tiny three-year-old, I claimed I wanted to be a giraffe when I grew up. I am so glad I didn’t pursue that direction; I’m guessing my efforts would have amounted to nothing. But I don’t know… maybe there’s still a chance.

I do remember little dreams I had as a kid… wanting to have a lead role in a play, wanting a best friend, dreaming of being taller or prettier, being Mariah Carey, dating the popular boy… the list goes on. Those were events and situations I may have been able to control to some extent (except the whole Mariah thing); but even then, I’m glad I didn’t count on any of those at such a young age. The way life takes a new direction at any given moment, I wouldn’t have known how those dreams would turn out in my adult life. Even now, I wonder what will come of some of my dreams. Where will I be when I’m 80?

When I tell people my husband and I own a cafe, people often remark, “Oooh, I’ve always dreamed of owning a cafe!” To which I reply “Heh heh… really?!” I constantly debate whether to shatter their dreams and tell them the truth, or to merely shrug and reply, “Yeah, maybe someday.”

We dreamed of owning a cafe too. Makes me wish that someone had told us the side effects of such a lifestyle. Sure, we can predict minor outcomes, like “Smoking may cause lung cancer” or “holding hands with that boy leads to… eh-hem… lots more.” But in reality, where do our actions take us 10 steps later, when years have passed and our lives and the people around us constantly evolve?

So without further adieu, here’s life as a side effect warning:

GET MARRIED: caution, engaging in such activities may lead to excessive communication about unimportant issues that may never end, an emotional bond with someone who sometimes needs guidance in how to decipher your language, facial expresions, and meals. Do not combine with extreme anger, overspending, or sarcastic and cutting comments. Those with Type A or Type B or C personalities, be aware that combining personality types may lead to other issues, depending on your genetics, family background, education, and Spiritual outlook.

HAVE KIDS: consult a doctor before and after procreation. Possible side effects may include the creation of an actual human life whom you will be responsible for your entire life. If you suffer from aw-cute syndrome or you have aversions to poo, wait until symptoms cease before having kids. Side effects may also include crying, screaming, squirting, and unknown aromas exploding from small human. If you have money, and also if you don’t have money, consider all possible financial outcomes.

OWN A CAFE: before owning a cafe, consult with your financial supporters, God, banks, professionals, investors, attorneys, and accountants. Side effects of owning a cafe may include a smaller home, drinking coffee you pretend is free, and town characters frequenting your shop. If you suffer from an introverted or anti-social personality, aversions to cranky people and screaming kids, and/or cleaning, be sure to get 8 hours of sleep, or hide in the back storage room. Pregnancy, life stress, and other related incidentals may cause overeating and a loss of numbers. Do not own a cafe in a poor economy.

PLAY COLLEGE SPORTS: engaging in such activities may lead to excessive calorie consuming, constant dehydration, and excessive use of athletic tape and Icy-Hot. Possible side effects may include hurt muscles, angry teammates, and an extremely low GPA. If you suffer from a Type B personality, do not combine college sports with Pre-Med or Engineering. Results of combining these activities may result in tutoring, debating grades with teachers, and eventual change in major declaration. Long term side-effects may include easily sprained ankles, which may require years of rest and rehabilitation. Other long-term side effects may also include abnormally buff legs, a permanent increase in appetite regardless of physical exertion and burning of calories, and irrational dreams of playing professional soccer someday.

Yep, so that’s about it. Hope that helped.

Because, why wouldn’t I?

Sometimes when I talk, I have to start over. My husband Aaron often stops me mid-sentence, requesting I “try again.” To which I reply “mnaaaah.” Then I often forget what I initially set out to verbally express.

I think this is why I like to post on Facebook, write blogs, and write songs. My brain can stop, pause, and rewind. (To those of you reading who have no idea what I’m referencing, its a machine called a “VCR” and I have a pretty awesome one in my minivan.) Ultimately, what results is an apparently well-thought out, sometimes clever and articulate message. Quite the opposite to the stammering mess I become when you ask me an important question in front of people. But I’ll sing and dance for you without hesitation.

So, not really sure what got me here. Which is probably why I named this blog “kelirium,” an offshoot of delirium specifically designed for me. Anything you read on my blog is most likely written between 9pm and 3am, and I would prefer that it stay this way.